by Lorrie Kim
Todd Eldredge is the new Star on Ice! All hail!
He was the reason my friend V. and I decided to go instead of selling or giving away our tickets after watching this season's telecast. It was worth it. I was elated to give the man my two standing ovations. He brings an integrity and directedness that this ensemble has lacked since the departure of Paul Wylie many quality-levels ago.
Aaaaghhhh I have to get it out of my system NOW! "To the GEE... to the OH... to the ELL... to the DEE..." Aaaaagghh that was HORRIBLE! The putrescent stench of the "rap" number with Yamaguchi, Witt and Lipinski cannot be imagined or described. You know how some people always say don't criticize skating unless you can do better? Well, I can sit on furniture and rap better than these people. V. and I were doubled over in embarrassment. At some point I decided it would be more interesting to turn around and look at the faces of the audience members behind me. To a person, they looked slightly stunned. Except for the poor 13-year-old and 8-year-old girls in our row, who looked downright miserable. I tormented V. during intermission by repeating the rap to her and she said calmly, "I'm going to kick your ass."
Lucinda Ruh started things off in angelic fashion. She may have been dressed as a showgirl, but the overall quality was seraphic. She brings to mind words like "elixir" and "ambrosia." Ichor and not blood flows in that woman's veins.
Then the skaters introduced themselves in voiceover. Why must skaters speak? Only Petrov, Witt, and Krylova seemed to understand that this is not the time for squeaky "skater-voice." Witt packed her "KataRIna" with sultriness -- a relief.
Angelika Krylova is a goddess. Everything she does is perfect. I never had to survive the image of Jenni Meno skating to "Lady Marmalade" because there was no tearing my eyes off the goddess. That got me through the latest manifestation of Sandra Bezic's obsession with prostitution as a career choice.
Eldredge to "Lord of the Rings"! I can't believe it was less than two months ago that I saw him compete that program at L.A. Nationals. I cheer wildly his decision to debut with SOI two days after Olympic closing ceremonies. This year's SOI theme of "We've only just begun" applies to him perfectly. Obviously SOI has been waiting a long time for him, and he's finally here, with pure-pleasure triple loops and two triple axels (somebody tell him this is a show program!) and a big old butterfly and death drop, making the ice look small as always. I am so happy for him. The world is yours, Mr. Eldredge. You did everything there was to do in skating -- everything. Welcome. V.: "I particularly like seeing people's heads underneath when he does Russian splits." Full standing O.
Browning Barenaked Ladies. This piece shows much better live. Fun pick work during guitar pick work.
Then argh these three janitors cleaned off some vanities while the "Roxanne" tango played. This is such a brilliant piece of music and everybody, but everybody, has slaughtered it: Chait/Sakhnovsky, Evgeny Plyushenko, and SOI. I guess it's up to an ensemble like Ice Theatre of New York to stage the sizzling mob tango that Baz Luhrmann filmed. V.: "Why can't Denis and Kurt tango with each other instead?" Me: "Because this is Stars on Ice."
Kulik was like pure menthol after this. In fact, he was a palate cleanser three times during this show. Started off with a crackling good 3toe and the biggest 2axel. He had a wonderfully casual loping air except when he punched the breath out of me with a Wagen wheel that was HUGE. I caught his smile afterward -- very pleased with himself. :-)
I must congratulate Krylova and Ovsiannikov, or someone, for listening to criticism. Looks like the Plains feather headdress is gone for good, and Krylova has a new costume minus the dreamcatchers used as pasties. The number was much more watchable with these improvements (although with the pole, it did still occasionally look like he was about to roast her on a spit). They are noiseless.
Steven Cousins gets the Lu Chen Memorial Award for honorary Asian ice slut in this show. Argh Tom Jones' "I want to kiss your pussycat lips" while Cousins did all doubles (including double toes and his Lipinski-like double axels). This number went on.
Yamaguchi had a mixed outing to "Gold" with bad 2axel and 3lutz and a doubled toe, but really nice 3loop, forward outside camel, and a terrific spin combination. She looks done with touring, to me.
Sigh. Todd Sand doing a "tango" with Jenni Meno's chair. Oh, this was a bad joke. The brothels of Argentina weep at this Disney cotton candy "tango." I passed the time by trying to think of dances less suited to Meno and Sand. I settled on the lambada.
Thank you Kulik for showing up and cleansing the palate again. His easy jazzy sexiness was to cotton-candy tango as a muscular tomcat is to a neutered house cat. Quite a good scratch spin, for Kulik, well-centered with decent speed and number of rotations.
"Gold" with Lipinski, Yamaguchi, Witt. V.: "Oh God, they're gonna talk. I didn't pay to hear this." Aaaghh! Make it stop! And then they send out the guys in corsets, garters, and boas. It didn't end.
V.: "They need to hire Toller Cranston."
Oh thank goodness, Lucinda Ruh after that, looking like an Erte figurine in her feathers, her new Hamill wedge fluffing out in her spins, finishing with a divine inside-outside spiral.
V.: "Oh, no. More furniture." Lipinski and Browning reciting the "Rainy Days" lyrics. I don't understand. I don't understand.
Meno and Sand, good program to "First Time," pure basic skating. After watching U.S. senior pairs in Los Angeles, I appreciate this. V.: "They did not talk. They did not sit on furniture." Our new criteria.
During Yamaguchi's mostly unconvincing Janet Jackson program, I pondered whom I'd prefer to see skating to wailing guitars and heavy bass. Slutskaya in black leather catsuit, mmm. Krylova would be a super-sexy dominatrix...I'd polish her pointy black boots any day. Sometimes Sandra Bezic's "sexy" programs make me think she is such a poser. She should just go to SM clubs and have threesomes and get it out of her system and stop charging people money to watch what she thinks it would be like. Fortunately, Yamaguchi redeemed this program with a convincing ending, loose hair all wild and head thrown back, arms out. A relief.
Then four guys in black spent a long time training searchlights on the audience. I don't understand. V.: "Good thing I don't have epilepsy."
Another palate cleanser from Kulik. He's not a naturally rubbery mover, but he uses edges on the ice in this Yell-o number to marvelous effect, Gary Beacom without the obnoxiousness.
Witt's one cold spot had her usual great ice coverage and patterns, big double axel, interesting modern movements at points. She is the only cast member, male or female, to be in Eldredge's league for ice coverage. So powerful. Aggressive. Better live, as always. Beautiful forward outside bent-leg camel.
The man himself, Eldredge to "Your Song." This program is brilliantly choreographed so the elements match the climaxes and decrescendos of the music. Another beautiful 3loop and 3axel, lovely left forward outside spiral aahhhhh. His fast spin combination right with the tenor finale.
Yamaguchi and Petrov to "One Day I'll Fly Away." It was the highlight I expected it to be (V. was transported mostly by Petrov's butt of death). Even with one-fifth of the tricks that Bechke and Petrov did, it still had the perfection of classical sculpture.
LOL. My husband just came in and I performed "to the GEE... to the OH..." for him. He begged, "Please don't ever do that again!" Then he asked querulously, "Did they do _this_?" miming the high-five from "Four Women" that traumatized him a few seasons ago (that was the moment he swore never to attend SOI again, and he's kept his word).
(By the way, Lipinski did perform "Color of Roses," but my mocha latte sent me to the ladies' during that number. She did not perform the patriotic number. She made up for lack of jumps with volume of hair.)
Browning gave us some sexy jump combinations (like 2axel half loop 3salchow) in a truly dancey club program. He looks good anywhere.
Steven Cousins and the three women gold medalists. V.: "The inevitable." One guy, two or three women, Sandra Bezic, blah blah blah.
Finale. Browning laid out a feast of edgework. Blazing fast monster split falling leaf and skid spiral, Ina Bauer into outside spread eagle, left back outside spiral into 3toe, simple upright back outside edge into forward bent-leg camel. It was all about the inner thigh muscles. Hedonistically good. The cast has improved their synchro formations. Eldredge's addition to the finale involves racing around to opposite corners to land triple toes.
Hopefully, SOI has gotten an earful about how the public has received the rapping and the furniture, and we won't see those experiments again. Eldredge, I assume, is in it for a while, and I hope it's true that Berezhnaya and Sikharulidze are to join. I'm shelling out for next year. It's watchable again.
